Treatment Day Video Clips.

Hi there. Valerie's husband Jess here. We took some short videos at Val's treatment from last Friday. We wanted to provide a sneak peak of what she goes through during a treatment session. I hope you enjoy these. By the way, Valerie hates videos of herself so I thought I would post these for her.

Appreciating "Now"

A calm ocean. Sitting in a boat soaking in the rays. Purely perfect. Waves start to come in. You see they are small. Just the right size to play in! Boogie boarding, surfing and all sorts of water fun. When you have exhausted yourself with playing you get back to the boat to go and peacefully lie in the sun once more. The smell and the sound of the water are so calming.

A bit of time passes you look off into the horizon and you see a storm. Knowing that you need to get to shore where it's safe you start your small boat up. What you didn't see was how fast the storm was coming. In no time it hits your little boat with vicious winds and crushing waves. You hold on and try to press through. But your visibility is poor and getting to shore seems nearly impossible with the boats small engine.

A huge wave hits your small boat and nearly throws you overboard. Choking on salt water and holding onto the rail you don't know what else to do but to pray. Down on your knees you pour out your heart in prayer and ask for help. You notice that even though the storm is still raging a large rescue boat has found you and is coming your way! You say a thankful prayer in your heart and wave your arms in the air. "Over here! Help me!" You welcome the safety of the large vessel. Once aboard the storm rages on, but you now have the help of many people. They have provided you with shelter and nourishment. Friendship and comfort. Peace of mind. Together, this large boat with many people are so much better equipped to handle a storm than you were all by yourself.

That's how life is. Ever notice that we most appreciate the calm waters only after  the storm has hit us? I think the biggest mistake we can make is to not bask in the sun when the waters are calm, but to think, "is this all that life is about? Floating here?"

Do you know what I miss? I miss being boring. I miss my old boring life. And by boring I mean wonderful!

If you are in a place right now where you feel stuck in a rut with things, maybe it's time to be grateful for it. Maybe you get up at the same time everyday, go to work at the same time everyday, eat lunch at the same time everyday...you get the picture. Or maybe it's that you have young children and it's diapers and spit-up, crying and whining, owies and Elmo. Whatever your "rut" is, maybe it's time to see it as a blessing. Calling it a "rut" might not be the best thing to call it either. Sometimes it feels like that, but really it is just a consistency that you have in your life. Things that you know are there and need to get done for your and your families days to go well. Things that, although they may not be the most fun, are important. That means you are important! That means your so-called rut is a HUGE blessing in your life. It's the calm water!!! Love this phase, as it is sure to follow the cycle of life and someday it won't be so calm.

Life can offer different things that add a lot of excitement, different waves. Fun ones like a new jobs, new house, new baby. Those are great! Then there are the violent waves. Illness, loss of a loved one, car accidents and natural disasters. Those are the kind of excitement we don't want and don't ask for. Then when the waters get calm again, and they will, you can look beck on the storm and see all the things that you learned.

My goal is to more appreciate what I am experiencing now. Even though right now I kind of wish my life was a little more 'boring' (read calm), I can appreciate little moments. No matter if you are playing in the nice waves, enduring a storm or just floating along in the calm water, try to take a step back once in a while. It is easy to look back and appreciate something, but can we do it now? Is it possible? Hard sometimes?...Yes! But definitely possible.

Ouch...

As I sit here at the computer I all I want to do it walk away from it. The light from the screen hurts my eyes. I have been doing so well...so well until last night. I wouldn't call it a headache, but more like head pain, even face pain. Only on the right side. Hit me hard last night and won't let up. I was hoping I could sleep it off. Nope. When I feel good the whole "you have cancer" thing is kind of surreal. Almost like it's not real at all. But when I'm not it feeling good it hits me like a ton of bricks. With the donations that we have received in only 24 hours I hope to be able to start treatment this week. I will be sure to report when I'm feeling good, and I hope it's soon. I have to teach Zumba tonight...

What a Differnce a Week Makes!

It has been a crazy, roller-coaster ride of a week! I am so glad to have it behind me and to be where I am now. It took a lot of talking to friends and family, a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers, but I am in so much of a better place. I guess there is a period of time when something tragic happens to you, that you have to figure out how not to be the victim and how to take control of the situation. How to break out of that vicious cycle of  "why me" and break into a strength and power that you might not have even known was there. To reach this point I needed knowledge and a plan. Knowledge about what it was exactly that was happening and "a plan of attack", so to speak, for how to handle it. Now that we have both everything will be ok.

I have included a lot of links in this post as I hope you do your own reading on a few of these things. :)

We are going to do things differently this time and hopefully better. The Genetically Targeted and Fractionated (GTF more commonly called IPT) chemo protocol that we used last time worked very well. (Envita calls it GTF because they take it a step farther and make sure the specific agents that they use will work you your specific type of cancer.) It got rid of the 5 inch long mass in my chest. But it came at a high price. Not only financially, but it was very hard on my body. I lost a lot of weight and simple things like eating and using the bathroom became huge successes if they went well, because they usually didn't. And of course having the toxic chemotherapy agents running through your veins is not only harmful to the cancer, but also to the rest of your body. Hair loss is only the most visible symptom. I always said (when I was in remission) that if it happened again I would do it different. Find a different way.

Sadly, as we know all to well, all alternative cancer treatments are frowned on by insurance companies and they will not help. But we believe we have found a protocol that will work for me. First of all I am eating according to the book "The Stupid Diet". Basically cancer likes inflammation and sugars, so I am avoiding as best as I can the things that fall into those categories. I want to drain the beast of it's power! Also taking a butt-load of vitamins and eating organic food to minimize the toxins that I am taking in so my body can focus all it's energy on the task at hand.

Then, as soon as we can, we will hit it through specialized IV treatments. Two different agents will be used.
1. Poly MVA
2. Polymannan Extract (PME)
It just takes a quick google search on both of these to learn more about them.

I will go in to my Dr in Scottsdale (Envita) 4x's a week for about a month. We are hoping that by that time we will see (and I will feel) a massive change in our situation. That the therapies are working. Then we will decide whether to raise more money, or if it would be a good time to switch to an oral form of Poly MVA. We hope that will be the case. This was the case for a young man with lymphoma that they recently helped with a mass much larger than mine on his neck. His family couldn't afford the GTF chemo so they opted for this treatment as it is very promising, has less side effects and costs a quarter of that GTF costs. His mass disappeared and he had his whole life ahead of him.

That's the plan for me too! Thank you for following me on my journey and for helping us out in anyway that you can. Deciding how to go about treatment is a personal and difficult decision. One side of the medical field pushes hard twords chemotherapy and radiation while the other side (all kinds of doctors, including oncologists) advise to stay as far away from it as you possibly can. I have dear friends and family members that are alive today because of chemotherapy, radiation, and the things offered through conventional cancer treatment. I don't want to come off as putting it down in any way. It is just not right for me. I know that with more surety than I can even describe. The decision should be left to each person and family dealing with cancer and one side shouldn't ever look down on the other because everyone is only doing what they think will be best and have the best end results.

I love my life! I love everyday. Lately I've tried to make it a point to "take in" something new everyday. A beauty or a blessing that I may overlook by rushing through life. Just to stop and notice things around you can make you feel closer to our Creator. That is a feeling I treasure. Now to take on today!

Both Sides of The Coin: Faith and Fear

So emotional today. I feel physically worse than I ever have and it has been very hard to keep my spirits up. I have relied heavily on close friends and my family. Is it possible to be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel alone? I don't get it. Maybe it's because no one can really feel what I feel. (Not that I ever want them to.)

I also have a hard time with being able to see the cancer. I don't like that I look in the mirror and there it is. I feel it every moment of the day and if I have to cough, sneeze, or blow my nose the pain can take me to my knees. It just feels so scary this time. It hurts so much.

I look at my children and start to take in every moment. Their smiles, their faces, their laughs and even the fighting. "What if this is what brings me back to our Father in Heaven?"...crosses my mind, but I shake it out. Hard to shake it out. Maybe everyone that is diagnosed with something that could potentially take their life contemplates what would happen if they were to die. I don't know. I hate that the thought even crosses my mind, but I hope that it is normal...and that I'm not being melodramatic.

*pause* (I have to go do bedtime stuff)...

As I came back to the computer and read over what I just wrote, this thought was brought to my mind...I let fear get a hold of me today! Fear will make you feel alone. Fear will make you think thoughts that you might not otherwise entertain. Fear will freeze your progress and make you doubt your own abilities. I vow to all who read this that I will shake my shackles of fear and have faith.

Faith in what? Faith that all things happen for a reason. That my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten about me. Faith that all things are possible though our Savior, Jesus Christ. Faith that the strength to do this was put into me and that I can tap into it whenever I want! I want to!!! I want to NOW! I am going to immerse myself in my faith. For where there is faith, there can be NO fear.


I am glad that my sweet Lily interrupted my writing. I am also glad that I wrote my true raw emotions in the beginning of this post. (I was tempted to go change it.) But I think it is a real look into the beginning of my cancer fight. The fight starts in your mind. Not a fight with yourself necessarily, but a fight to find your better self. A self that learns to tap into a higher power of strength. Nothing you can see or touch, but it is so real. FAITH. If you choose faith, it will crush your fear. (Even as I type this I have stopped crying. I love it!)

"Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."

-'How Firm A Foundation", Hymn #85 verse 3, LDS Hymn Book

Again. I will beat it AGAIN!

I am not sure how this post is going to turn out. I am so sad right now. My insides are literally trembling. It is 7 am on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept last night, I cried a lot though. We found out yesterday at 5pm that I have Cancer...again. Hodgkins Lymphoma...again. Even though I haven't been feeling well, and through my tests we have been talking about the worst case scenario, it still hit me hard. Harder today than yesterday. We found out at 5pm yesterday. I called my parents, then I went to go teach Zumba. A great distraction.

Here is a quote from my last post: "Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life." Crazy the irony, because the simple act of breathing is what is hard for me right now. Literally. I have a 4 cm x 3.4 cm mass in my neck that is displacing my trachea (wind pipe) and my thyroid gland. The size of it doesn't seem as alarming as the 9cm x 13 cm mass that was in my chest last time, but when you think of putting a foreign object the size of a golf ball in your neck...that image is unsettling. You can see the anatomy of the neck in this picture, now put that golf ball at the base of the neck, right above the collarbone.



It is also shocking how fast it came on. My last scan wasn't very long ago. Apparently lymphoma isn't like most solid mass tumors that take a bit of time to grow. It only needs a few weeks.

So it is safe to say that I am in a state of shock. I just want to go on with life, not letting it affect the way I think, but it is honestly a struggle right now. I will get myself together and push forward on the path that I am on, but right now I just don't feel like being strong. I just feel sad. Understandable, I know, but I hate being sad. I don't want to let myself feel it, yet at the same time it feels so good to just let the tears flow freely.

How can I feel terrified and hopeful at the same time? I don't know, but I do. We did this once and we can do it again. As I started writing this I wasn't sure if I'd go through with posting it. I just felt like I needed to write and vent. To get my feelings out so hopefully I can let them go, but not totally sure I was ready to share my struggles with everyone yet. As I am nearing the end of my thoughts right now I have felt my inside trembling calm down and the tears seem to be done, for now. So I am going to call a few family members and close friends that I haven't talked to yet, and then post this.

I need you. I need your encouraging comments. You give me so much strength. Now that I am feeling brave enough to share I will do it...before I change my mind.

***I wrote this On Saturday and I am just posting it now. A lot has happened and I feel less sad and "trembly", and more resolved and determined. When you find out bad news you go through phases with it. Different emotions at different times. I'm glad the pity party phase is over. It's my least favorite. On to the "we can do this!" phase!***

Latest MRI Results

The dark clouds that once hung over me, trying to bring me down have parted. The radiant sun, warm and wonderful, is now shining down on me! I didn't let the darkness get the best of me, but it is so wonderful to see the light and feel so blessed!

To catch you up from my last post I did get a second opinion. The second Dr saw something TOTALLY different than the first. He was concerned about my uterus and some lymph node activity in my abdomen.(*sigh*) So with that I went to get an MRI of my torso and abdomen, with and without contrast...which means it was a loooong scan. It took over an hour! That's a long time for anyone to hold still...especially for me! But with some minor muscle cramping, and having to ignore a few itches, I did it!

The results call came yesterday morning...and by now you have probably figured out that they are WONDERFUL!!!
*happy dance*

Everything looks great! (Well most everything...but I'll get to that later.) There were many concerns from my last PET scan and they were all put to rest. No abnormal lymph node activity in my abdomen, my uterus is fine and no abnormal lymph node activity around my heart!!! Super-duper yay!

I feel such joy in my heart! and I am so grateful and humbled that I have made it through to the other side. I always knew I'd be ok. I just knew it. Hard to explain. I knew that this was an experience that I had to endure and endure well. That there was a lot to learn. Though I would be lying if I said this feeling came right away. I was so fearful in the beginning that cancer would take me away from the things that I prize most in the world...my sweet children, my husband. There was just so much fear around even saying the "c word". But with information and a lot of praying I finally felt peace and a faith that I cannot describe. I just knew I'd be ok, though I didn't know what the journey would be like. I had to take my faith, and hold onto it with both hands, and hand over the process to the lord. However long it takes, however it will happen, I just knew it would.

I've often said to Jess (my husband) that I wish there was another was to say "I love you". The phrase can be so overused and when you really want to express deep love for someone it seems far too simple. I feel this way with "thank you" now too. All I can hope is that the spirit with which I say it can come through my writing. Thank you for supporting us. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for donating money, prayers, meals, rides, babysitting, photo sessions, house cleaning, encouraging notes, visits, fun gifts and friendship. I know there is more. The community support that I have felt will be forever a golden memory for me throughout my life. I make it a point to count my blessings. Please know that I always count you.

We have all sent up our petitions to heaven for my healing, now lets send up our thanks and praise to Him. We must not be like the 9 lepers that forgot to give thanks.

So while we are all feeling all warm and fuzzy, and focusing on our blessings I'll just briefly mention that there is a "new spot". A small amount of activity on the right side of my body by my collar bone. It's 1.4 cm x 1.8 cm. We are going to watch it and get another PET scan in 6-8 months. It's really not a big deal, just something to be aware of. But I feel like we are in control of the cancer, it is not controlling us.

I am in remission...I am not "cancer free", nor will I ever be. Remission means "a temporary or permanent stage when cancer is not active and symptoms disappear." Cancer free is, in my opinion, overused and misused. Once you have cancer you are never free of it. It is like a monster in a closed closet. Trying to scare you, but you keep shutting the door in it's face. Having cancer is an experience that will change you forever. It has changed me, my family, my marriage and my faith. All for the better. I am actually grateful for it. Crazy me! :)

So there it is! Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life. And again....