Be Brave...Easier Said Than Done

I found this picture and it fits perfectly how I feel this morning. I have part of me "shut down", so to speak, and yet I am forced to keep one eye open. I need to see and understand what lies ahead, but so much of it is unknown.

 If I think about the unknown too much I am uncontrollably emotional. So I just feel like I can only peak through my fingers and know one thing at  time. Handle one thing at a time. What scares me most is my anger. Through all of this I have never felt this before. 

Fear, determination, sadness, confusion...all familiar feelings. But I am actually angry. 

I think it is being angry that scares me the most. I have a hard time feeling close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and even (sadly) to think a prayer for the last few days. I thought I had faith. I actually know I do...somewhere...but it is buried I guess. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's just a huge struggle right now. I feel a bit scared and uncomfortable even sharing these personal feelings.

I think in the eternal perspective of things I'm probably acting like a spoiled child. A child who keeps asking for something, and when she doesn't get exactly what she wants, how she wants it, she throws a tantrum. Maybe even giving her parents the silent treatment for a while. That's how mature I feel.

Again, as I write, I start to think clearly. You are literally reading things as they come to my mind. (Proof to me that I haven't been forgotten by our God, as he is constantly forgiving me for my shortcomings. Even in this moment he is enlightening my mind.)

I have been waiting to feel comforted. To feel like everything is going to be ok. I guess I just wanted it to fall out of the sky and into my heart. No effort required. Well...surprise...it's not working like that. I am committing right now to our Father in Heaven, and myself, that instead of waiting to feel my strength of faith again, I will fight for it.

I will seek it out. Study and pray. Even if it feels hard. 

...you know...I have felt like this long ago. It is coming back to me now...

When I was struggling through my teen years I made decisions and choices that pulled me away from the spirit of God. I felt separated and distant. Similar to how I feel now. Not that this cancer stuff is anything due to bad choices of mine, but I can't help but notice how similar I feel.

When I was struggling with repenting back then, my Bishop told me that Satan was working hard on me. Trying to place my guilt as a wedge between me and the Lord. He told me that I had to push past it and know that Heavenly Father wanted to hear from me and help me, despite how I felt inside.

I remember the struggle as I tried to draw near to him., but felt so distant. 

Now I feel like Satan is trying to use my anger as a similar wedge.

I must fight it.

I overcame before and I will do it again. Seeking out His word and drawing on the strength of Christ's atonement. I will stop letting myself be tossed in the wind, and instead reach for the Iron Rod that will lead my heart back to Him.

Being brave and full of faith is easier said than done...but I know it will be well worth the work.

I'm Not Home :(

It has taken me a while to come to a place that I am able to blog...but I am better now. I just really had my heart set on the first plan. Then when that plan was changed (in my fragile emotional state) it took me a while to come to grips with things. 

So here is what's going on.

Like the title says, I was not able to go home today like I had wanted. It seriously broke my heart. I was looking forward to tucking my kids in and being held in my husbands arms. But three of my doctors are concerned about how many times this situation has recurred and want to do an extra test tomorrow. They are going to go into my spine and get a sample of my spinal fluid to look for anything off or cancer related there. If it is there, then it will add further treatment to my plan to try to cut the head off of this beast. If it is not there...well then we are throwing a party! Hehehe...seriously! 

I am very, very scared of this procedure. It is very delicate and has to be exact, or there will be very negative side effects. One thing I am glad that is not being discussed anymore is a biopsy of the tumor in my brain. While I am unsettled about the idea of them going into my spine, I am frightened at the thought of them going into my head! That would be way worse. So I'm trying to focus there. 

I also want to thank you for your love, concern and prayers.

I do have to admit that I blog for selfish reasons though. I blog for me. To keep my head straight. To figure out what I am thinking and to be better able to organize my thoughts and the facts. I tend to blog when I'm most scared or things are unknown. Kind of how I cope.

To know that I am not alone and that others are out there pulling for me, and thinking of us, helps me a lot. So know that I need you. I have always been the kind of person that loves to be surrounded by friends that feel support and love me. I've tried to be the kind of person that people want to love in the first place! But I just had to thank all of you for caring.

This is very scary. It never gets any easier. But I am strengthened by you. <3 div="div">

I will post an update as soon as I can as to how tomorrow goes. 

Good night!

So Far...

So far it is certain that there is cancer in my brain. Most of my symptoms (headache, double vision) were brought on by the swelling and are being controlled with a steroid right now. I will start radiation tomorrow and if it responds as well as they hope, I will be able to side step having any surgeon's digging in my head. That is what we are praying for!

Crazy.

This is possibly the same tumor that was in my spine that paralyzed me. It may have snuck it's way up my spinal chord, into my brain and made a home.

I am doing better emotionally now that we are pretty sure that I won't have to have brain surgery. That was freaking me out. Also there is a very good chance I can go home tomorrow and do everything out-patient...that is wonderful! That means I get to go home and be a mommy! :)

So, besides the crappy cancer news, we are very optimistic and hopeful that the radiation alone will do the trick this time. We will see. This cancer sure does like to jump around a lot and sneak into places it doesn't belong.

Thank you for caring about me and my family. I don't understand this trial. I don't understand why the cancer won't just go away. I have been considered to be in "remission" twice now, and neither period of time lasted for more than 3 months.

One thing being in the hospital does for me is helps me to re-prioritize my life. It is easy to be good at getting tasks done with the kids, and jobs completed around the house...but completely miss the meaning of it all. To loose the "why" behind why us parents do so many small, menial tasks looses the purpose of our daily lives. Doing small things, everyday, for the people we love is what this life is all about. Right?

Cancer...again???

*sigh*

Boy have I neglected this blog lately. I guess I go through phases of wanting a certain amount of privacy. Writing is sometimes a very vulnerable thing to do. So, oddly enough, it is when I feel vulnerable and scared, that I need to write. It is like writing keeps my mind clear. When I write it reminds me of how I feel...and that I really do have faith! Those things are sometimes easy to forget when fear is running things. So I'm going to try and be better to blog even when things are going good. I'm sure I'll get much joy out of sharing my life as it gets more "normal".

Thank you for being patient with me!

Ok...I didn't even look at my last blog to know where I left off. Basically things were gradually progressing, I was getting better and just a few months ago I got a clean PET scan confirming that I was in remission. I've been regularly attending physical and occupational therapy and making great strides. I even have started skipping!

I was gaining my life back as a mom and wife...and even a pilates instructor! I even have plans on the table to "assist" in a Zumba class to get me dancing again!!! And just so you know, so far those things are still happening. Just hit a speed bump I guess.

Ok...so here's how it all started.

One week ago I had a strange thing happen while I was doing some grocery shopping. Suddenly the isles and people were blurry and I had to stop walking. Not sure what was happening, I immediately stopped walking. I experienced large blind spots were I couldn't see whole carts until I was looking straight at them. Basically I hd no peripheral vision. While it was scary, I still had to finish what I was doing, then pick up the kids from school. I waited...waited...then it gradually improved. So much so that I saw normally, and had no headache! I could do all the driving that I needed to do and was fine until Jess got home from work. Then it happened again. An hour or so passed and the symptoms left.

We did lots and lots of reading and what kept coming up was "ocular migraine". We'll take it!

So 3 days pass and then it happens again, except my vision started to look cross-eyed this time. This was Last Thursday. Again with a mild headache. I rested. Again it went away.

But we did MORE research. Sudden loss of vision is always concerning, but "ocular migraine" kept popping up...so we waited...and hoped and prayed.

Friday. Started off fine. I got the kids to school without a problem, but come time to pick them up was a different story. Bad headache and double vision. I saw fine out of one eye at a time, but not both. Cross your eyes slightly, and that's how I saw. Out of necessity I picked them up. I figured out that if I put my hand over my nose and up to my eyebrow I could get rid of the double vision. I must have looked silly driving. :) But I wouldn't have put my kids lives in danger, so know that I was safe.

The rest of the day I spent resting. And all of Saturday too. Having Jess with me was so nice. But by the end of they day we knew we were going to the emergency room. We planned it for Sunday morning while the kids were in church and I would go to a nearby hospital. We hoped to be back home in time.

The ER was empty so we got taken care of right away. Blood tests and  a scan. Blood good! Scan not. From that first scan they were saying "cancer" already.

Tears flowed. Many tisses were sacrificed. Jess and I know nothing about cancer in the brain. It sounds so scary. Still does.

By know we knew that I had to be hospitalized and we had decided to go where we had a good experience before, and where my background was known. Scottsdale Shea.

Jess brought the kids to the hospital to say bye. That was hard. Especially for Lily. She was fighting tears the whole time. Seeing her mommy put into an ambulance...again. Last time she saw that I didn't come back for over a month. I held it together for her. At least until we were out of sight. Then I could hold back my sobs no more.

So now I am admitted. I saw a Dr (that was very optimistic) and I've been having all kinds of tests done. My prayer is that they can treat it with radiation and not have to do surgery. Oddly enough no mention of chemo yet.

So that's where we are at. Emotionally, I am a mess. I am scared and I just want to go home. Distraction  is a great thing right now. I get to see my kids in a few hours, and that will be awesome!

Sisters

I feel so lucky to have sisters. My mom  really tried to instill in us that having a sister was like having a forever best friend. I remember her saying something to the effect of, "friends will come and go, but your sisters will always be there for you." Which is an interesting thing for her to say because she doesn't have a sister. How did she know? She didn't know this from experience, but she was trying to instill it in us to make it our reality. To make it our experience as sisters. Well mom, job well done.

I am the oldest of 3 girls. My parents had 3 babies in 4 years. So we are really close in age. Of course we fought as kids, like any normal siblings, but we mostly played and had fun together. We were good kids.

As we grew up, I wouldn't say that we grew appart, but we were all doing such different things in our lives. We all had different directions that we were going in. None of us really being able to relate to what eachother was doing. Being married young and having kids, going off to college, living in New York to pursue a dream, are just a few examples. All of us seeming to be caught up and busy with our lives. I feel like there was a period of time where we just gave eachother space and did our own things.

Now that we are a little older (not much...lol) I really feel my mom's wish for us to be forever best friends coming true, and I know it comes from the great foundation that was laid for us to be friends when we were little and the  experiences that we had that bonded us together as a unit.

My sisters are so special to me. Being diagnosed with cancer and going through the things that I need to do to heal from it is hard on me. But I try to put myself in my loved ones shoes. They have to watch someone they love go through something that they wish they could just take away......I'm not sure which would be harder. I simply can't imagine the other side. But I'm glad my sisters, my husband,my best friend, my parents, and many others are there for me. Especially those who have to witness the most unpleasant parts of what I'm going through.

Both of my sisters live in a different state than me, but both of them have made great effort to be with me. To make sure I knew that they were and are always there for me. Love u guys so much. I'm lucky to have you as sisters.

The Big Day

I woke up this morning in the best mood! I'm going home today! I was admitted to the hospital on March 2nd and today is April 10th. That is 38 days. 38 DAYS!!! I know that a lot of people are in the hospital for a lot longer, but this was a long time for our family to endure. It really tested not only us, but our friends and family. And let me day that we are blessed with the most amazing support system ever. The things people did (and continue to do) for us is humbling and inspiring. "Thank you" doesn't even begin to express my gratitude to those who have helped. Especially those that took my kids into their houses, fed them, helped with homework, and just basically treated them liked one of their own. There are really no words.

Thank you to those who took time out of their lives to visit me. I really found that I looked forward to the social interaction with good friends...love you guys. 

It is surreal that I'll be packing my stuff up and finally go back to my family. I kind of won't believe it until I'm in the car driving away from the hospital...kind of doesn't seem real right now.

I am most excited to just be a mom and a wife again. To wake up with my kids, in my house and to be there for them. To wake up next to my husband and take on the day with him together. I miss everything about it from breaking up kid fights and helping settle arguments, to kisses, hugs, and kneeling in prayer together before bed...and I'll try to remember that feeling when the kids drive me crazy...because they will...haha! I need to remember that is it better to be there than to not. No matter what.

I am most grateful to my Heavenly Father. I have worked very hard, but it is because of his tender mercies that I have come this far. We take so much for granted in our lives. This has been a great reminder to be grateful for everything and to give thanks to our God for all that we have.

I have to wait until this afternoon to leave the hospital, but it will be a wonderful thing.

Is it Tuesday yet?!?

While I still have more pictures and videos to post about my rehab progress I had to share this amazing news...it looks like I'll be released from the hospital on Tuesday the 10th!!! I can't believe it. I'm actually going top wake up in my own house on Wednesday morning! ***happy dance***

I have a ways to go yet until I'm completely well and fully recovered, but I'm well enough to do it all at outpatient facilities.

I will come to Scottsdale once a week for things relating to the chemotherapy, and I will also go to rehab a few times a week somewhere still too be determined (preferably somewhere closer to my house...lol). I obviously have no problem traveling a bit to receive good care, so if any of my AZ friends have any experience with a great rehab office, let me know!

It is so FUN to plan my big homecoming!!!

My 7 year old son, Andrew, and his friend, Tommy, made me this poster. It is so cute and thoughtful...but the best part is that it is true...I am coming home soon! So very soon!