"More Of Me To Love"

...more of me to love?!??
*sigh*
This was my radiation Dr's cute (and actually kind of funny) comment as he and I were discussing the weight gain and swelling in my face and body. Due to the steroid that I have to take until the tumor is under control, I am dealing with this very uncomfortable feeling. I hate it.

Being very fitness-minded since I was 13 years old, sometimes the mirror is a hard foe to face.

I guess I am more vain than I like to admit...lol. I'm a girl! ;)

I'm only comparing myself to myself of course. I know my body. I know how it should feel. Even post baby, when I've had extra weight to loose, my body NEVER felt like this.

I'm short, and have a small frame, so an extra 15-20 lbs (I hope not more...ahhh) is very noticeable.
I often feel like I have a layer (or two) of bubble wrap around me. I have actually lost muscle control...so weird. I hate drugs...

So this is my venting post for today, BUT HERE IS MY POSITIVE SPIN...

Yes. I'm getting bigger and self-concious...but I'm ALIVE!

Yes, I've gained weight...but we are shrinking the tumor!

Yes, I may be wearing workout pants all the time...but I'm going to LOVE shopping when this is all over!

Yes, I struggle with it emotionally...but the beautiful thing is that Jess makes me feel no less beautiful. He is the glue that holds me together.

"More of me to love" is ok while we shrink the tumor.

I accept it and I embrace my life with gratitude everyday.

Such Early Mornings! My Spiritual Rise and Shine!

In waking up way too early (again) this morning I had to find myself something to do.

Yesterday I thought cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors was a good way to spend my early-morning energy... but this morning I sought out a spiritual message to set the tone for my day.

Yesterday it did work out quite well though!!! I cleaned in the quiet of a sleeping, peaceful house...then got to spend the rest of the day being able to focus on getting to doctor appointments, taking care of my kids and spending time with my family. Which made for a nice day! (Besides the fact that I got up at 3am!)

*sigh* Here is another early morning...might as well try to take advantage of the energy that I DO have when I have it comes!

***

So 3am rolls around again.  Awake probably because of my medication. There is much more cleaning to be done...but, no thanks. I decided to sit at my computer and go to www.lds.org.

There is so, so much on that site that I knew that I'd find something to "speak to me" and provide the words of inspiration and encouragement that I needed. My "tank" needed to be filled...and guess what...

...I was right! (I love it when that happens!!!)

With a few "random" clicks, this talk from the last General Conference (of the LDS church) just fell out of the screen at me.

No matter your denomination, the spirit when you feel when you hear/read good men speak of Godly things is undeniable...and I really needed to hear this talk at this moment.

I've actually listened to it twice from minute 9:45 on...touched and softened my heart.

***
I blog about this because, in the future, I want my children to know who real strength comes from. I want them to know that I had faith and worked everyday to learn to trust in God. It is my hope that if I grow my faith, I will be a better example and give them that much of a "head start" in their search for their own faith that can help them endure the struggles that will come in their lives.

It feels like one of my most important jobs as a mother and it is my prayer that I can do so adequately.

***

Joshua 1:5 "...I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

 Ether 12: 6-9

6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

 7 For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.

 8 But because of the faith of men He has shown himself unto the world, and glorified the name of the Father, and prepared a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen.

 9 Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.

Fundraising to Come Soon...I Hope!

I like this logo that my sister, Natalie, designed for me last year. I'm not too crazy about a shirt with my actual name on it (instead of an awareness ribbon or, something) but it was put together so beautifully, I really do like it!

The reason I bring it up again, is that we have some left over from the last fundraiser...and...as you can figure out...medical expenses are once again getting out of control and hard to manage. In some cases we have already gone into collection.

...so who wants to buy a t-shirt? :D ;)

Jess is also going to re-do our info/donation site so it is up to date.

Maybe this will help spread the word a little better about how much we could use a boost...

It is crazy how just a few dollars from a few people can start to help  out with bills and take huge,financial stress off of us. Parents know that it is already though paying for "normal" life with 4 active kids! Then we add all of my (what I call) "no fun debt", and it  just rains on our parade.

Anyways. Be on the lookout. For some new stuff. If you are comfortable with it, and find it appropriate, help us spread the word around by sharing the link we will have up and running soon.

A Full Heart

I've been doing very well recently (thinking if my mental state). Right now I feel at peace.

I've been making an extra effort to feel God's spirit in my life. It is amazing that when we just put a little bit of effort in, our Heavenly Father blesses us with unmeasurable blessings. Both to our mind and to our heart.

I am still going to do more. Read more from the scriptures, get on my knees more...but I love the hope in my heart. I'm so grateful for it.

Not that the tears have dried up, or that our worries have disappeared...but I feel lifted up. A miracle in my heart.

And the amazing thing is, I know there is more for me to learn and experience.

Just wanted to share my full heart.

<3

End of The Day

I am so tired. I need sleep!!! I hope that's all I need...

I'm feeling unsettled because my back is still very sore (I promise I tried to take it easy today). It is a very strange, painful, stiff feeling.

And...

...my eyesight is acting screwy right now. Not good, in that I need to drive myself to radiation in the morning. I like being able to see! I am having to close one eye in order to focus on typing. My vision is getting "crossed" again. I hope this isn't a bad sign.

Hopefully a good night's rest is all I need.

Prayer. I need to talk with my Creator, and after that I hope to have a good night.

(This is a very "hopeful" post...haha! I just noticed that I typed it 3 times in about 4 thoughts.)

A Necessary Evil: Steroids...A Necessary Blessing: Friends

I woke up at 2:45 am. *sigh*

I do take comfort that I am in  my own bed...but I am jealous of Jess as he rubs it in my face by  sleeping so peacefully next to me. Show off. 

I am on Decadron (Dexamethasone). It has been a blessing. It has taken the swelling down in my brain enough to where my vision is near normal now and I don't really have headaches, but as with any medication, the side effects are no fun. I've had to be on this drug before when the last tumor was crushing my spine, so I now it all too well.

The one bugging right now is that it isn't letting me sleep (obviously). Plus it upsets my stomach. 

Want more info? It's fun stuff. Lol. Decadron (Dexamethasone Oral) 

What I mostly struggle with is insomnia. upset stomach (yet increased appetite...figure that one out), edema (swelling of my body), weight gain, and over all body soreness...oh...and I almost forgot my favorite one...facial hair. Ugh!!!

So if I get a little chubby and am sporting a few sprouts in my chin, hold back the chuckles.   OK?

Of course they gave me Restoril (Temazepam) to sleep, but I'm trying to avoid another medication if at all possible. I'm kind of stubborn like that.

***
To add to the fun of tonight too, my back is sore. Hurts to do any bending in my lumbar spine because of the Spinal Tap (Lumbar Puncture)  procedure I had done yesterday. I took some Tylenol, but that's as much as I'll take. Having to get off of prescription pain meds was extremely hard last time, and I don't want to feel those awful withdrawals again! 

The procedure itself went well and my Dr was very skilled. (An answer to my prayer right there!) I did cry...of course...but I didn't have to be alone. 

While I had great friends (and husband) helping me with the necessities of running my house...no one was lined up to be with ME! (Again I'm exposing how needy I am.) Then a hospital angel flew to my side. 

Yay Brandi! Bless her sweet heart for driving the hour just to come and hold my hand...then "girl talk" for an hour afterwards to keep my mind off of the crappy stuff. 

We met as neighbors, I recruited her mad skills as my hairdresser, we've moved twice and never lost contact. She's helped me through al the emotional trauma that a woman goes through when she finds herself having to be bald. Her husband even raffled off his Harley Davidson Motorcycle to help us pay some medical bills...who does that??? 

Amazing people and a blessing in our lives.

Now she is an up-and-coming tattoo model and has an idea to use her "pretty girl" influence, and my "pity girl" pull (I call it that, she doesn't) to try and help us with more of our mega costs. Her and her husband really have hearts of gold.

So my heart was happy.

***
Shortly after she left, Jess came by to to take me home! The hour ride in the back of the car (laying down) wasn't even bad. I think the joy of going home just took over. I wasn't disappointed at all once I was reunited with the kids. They were so glad to see me! Especially Lily...she would't leave my side. *special*

***
So that's where I'm at. 

This has taken me forever to type because I am laying on my side, typing with one hand. Necessary to keep my back straight. Now it's almost time to get up and Jess left for work an hour ago...oh well. Once I get the kids off to school I can rest.

Wish me luck on m first day trying to be a mom!

My Face Twin

The brain scan...meet my creepy face twin.

(Alright. Putting my vanity aside and posting this pic even though it is extremely unflattering.)

First they warmed this piece of plastic. Mind you that it had no shape and was completely flat. Once it is warmed, they press it hard onto your face while you lay on a not-so-comfy table and you have to wait for the plastic to harden. If you look closely at the pic you can see the indents in my forehead and cheeks from the mold.

They press hot plastic into your face and secure it to the table!

So you are laying there, feeling like you are being suffocated, while you head is bolted to a table. It was a crazy feeling. I don't recommend this if you are even a little claustrophobic.

Then once the mold is dry, they keep you down and pass you through the scanning machine a few times to take some pics of the old noggin. They do this to make sure you are in the same position each time and that the radiation is going exactly where it needs to go.

This whole time I am trying to stay calm and breathe!

It was overall painless...just no fun. Boy was I glad when they peeled it off of my face.

Now they are able to start radiation tomorrow.