Both Sides of The Coin: Faith and Fear

So emotional today. I feel physically worse than I ever have and it has been very hard to keep my spirits up. I have relied heavily on close friends and my family. Is it possible to be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel alone? I don't get it. Maybe it's because no one can really feel what I feel. (Not that I ever want them to.)

I also have a hard time with being able to see the cancer. I don't like that I look in the mirror and there it is. I feel it every moment of the day and if I have to cough, sneeze, or blow my nose the pain can take me to my knees. It just feels so scary this time. It hurts so much.

I look at my children and start to take in every moment. Their smiles, their faces, their laughs and even the fighting. "What if this is what brings me back to our Father in Heaven?"...crosses my mind, but I shake it out. Hard to shake it out. Maybe everyone that is diagnosed with something that could potentially take their life contemplates what would happen if they were to die. I don't know. I hate that the thought even crosses my mind, but I hope that it is normal...and that I'm not being melodramatic.

*pause* (I have to go do bedtime stuff)...

As I came back to the computer and read over what I just wrote, this thought was brought to my mind...I let fear get a hold of me today! Fear will make you feel alone. Fear will make you think thoughts that you might not otherwise entertain. Fear will freeze your progress and make you doubt your own abilities. I vow to all who read this that I will shake my shackles of fear and have faith.

Faith in what? Faith that all things happen for a reason. That my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten about me. Faith that all things are possible though our Savior, Jesus Christ. Faith that the strength to do this was put into me and that I can tap into it whenever I want! I want to!!! I want to NOW! I am going to immerse myself in my faith. For where there is faith, there can be NO fear.


I am glad that my sweet Lily interrupted my writing. I am also glad that I wrote my true raw emotions in the beginning of this post. (I was tempted to go change it.) But I think it is a real look into the beginning of my cancer fight. The fight starts in your mind. Not a fight with yourself necessarily, but a fight to find your better self. A self that learns to tap into a higher power of strength. Nothing you can see or touch, but it is so real. FAITH. If you choose faith, it will crush your fear. (Even as I type this I have stopped crying. I love it!)

"Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."

-'How Firm A Foundation", Hymn #85 verse 3, LDS Hymn Book

Again. I will beat it AGAIN!

I am not sure how this post is going to turn out. I am so sad right now. My insides are literally trembling. It is 7 am on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept last night, I cried a lot though. We found out yesterday at 5pm that I have Cancer...again. Hodgkins Lymphoma...again. Even though I haven't been feeling well, and through my tests we have been talking about the worst case scenario, it still hit me hard. Harder today than yesterday. We found out at 5pm yesterday. I called my parents, then I went to go teach Zumba. A great distraction.

Here is a quote from my last post: "Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life." Crazy the irony, because the simple act of breathing is what is hard for me right now. Literally. I have a 4 cm x 3.4 cm mass in my neck that is displacing my trachea (wind pipe) and my thyroid gland. The size of it doesn't seem as alarming as the 9cm x 13 cm mass that was in my chest last time, but when you think of putting a foreign object the size of a golf ball in your neck...that image is unsettling. You can see the anatomy of the neck in this picture, now put that golf ball at the base of the neck, right above the collarbone.



It is also shocking how fast it came on. My last scan wasn't very long ago. Apparently lymphoma isn't like most solid mass tumors that take a bit of time to grow. It only needs a few weeks.

So it is safe to say that I am in a state of shock. I just want to go on with life, not letting it affect the way I think, but it is honestly a struggle right now. I will get myself together and push forward on the path that I am on, but right now I just don't feel like being strong. I just feel sad. Understandable, I know, but I hate being sad. I don't want to let myself feel it, yet at the same time it feels so good to just let the tears flow freely.

How can I feel terrified and hopeful at the same time? I don't know, but I do. We did this once and we can do it again. As I started writing this I wasn't sure if I'd go through with posting it. I just felt like I needed to write and vent. To get my feelings out so hopefully I can let them go, but not totally sure I was ready to share my struggles with everyone yet. As I am nearing the end of my thoughts right now I have felt my inside trembling calm down and the tears seem to be done, for now. So I am going to call a few family members and close friends that I haven't talked to yet, and then post this.

I need you. I need your encouraging comments. You give me so much strength. Now that I am feeling brave enough to share I will do it...before I change my mind.

***I wrote this On Saturday and I am just posting it now. A lot has happened and I feel less sad and "trembly", and more resolved and determined. When you find out bad news you go through phases with it. Different emotions at different times. I'm glad the pity party phase is over. It's my least favorite. On to the "we can do this!" phase!***

Latest MRI Results

The dark clouds that once hung over me, trying to bring me down have parted. The radiant sun, warm and wonderful, is now shining down on me! I didn't let the darkness get the best of me, but it is so wonderful to see the light and feel so blessed!

To catch you up from my last post I did get a second opinion. The second Dr saw something TOTALLY different than the first. He was concerned about my uterus and some lymph node activity in my abdomen.(*sigh*) So with that I went to get an MRI of my torso and abdomen, with and without contrast...which means it was a loooong scan. It took over an hour! That's a long time for anyone to hold still...especially for me! But with some minor muscle cramping, and having to ignore a few itches, I did it!

The results call came yesterday morning...and by now you have probably figured out that they are WONDERFUL!!!
*happy dance*

Everything looks great! (Well most everything...but I'll get to that later.) There were many concerns from my last PET scan and they were all put to rest. No abnormal lymph node activity in my abdomen, my uterus is fine and no abnormal lymph node activity around my heart!!! Super-duper yay!

I feel such joy in my heart! and I am so grateful and humbled that I have made it through to the other side. I always knew I'd be ok. I just knew it. Hard to explain. I knew that this was an experience that I had to endure and endure well. That there was a lot to learn. Though I would be lying if I said this feeling came right away. I was so fearful in the beginning that cancer would take me away from the things that I prize most in the world...my sweet children, my husband. There was just so much fear around even saying the "c word". But with information and a lot of praying I finally felt peace and a faith that I cannot describe. I just knew I'd be ok, though I didn't know what the journey would be like. I had to take my faith, and hold onto it with both hands, and hand over the process to the lord. However long it takes, however it will happen, I just knew it would.

I've often said to Jess (my husband) that I wish there was another was to say "I love you". The phrase can be so overused and when you really want to express deep love for someone it seems far too simple. I feel this way with "thank you" now too. All I can hope is that the spirit with which I say it can come through my writing. Thank you for supporting us. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for donating money, prayers, meals, rides, babysitting, photo sessions, house cleaning, encouraging notes, visits, fun gifts and friendship. I know there is more. The community support that I have felt will be forever a golden memory for me throughout my life. I make it a point to count my blessings. Please know that I always count you.

We have all sent up our petitions to heaven for my healing, now lets send up our thanks and praise to Him. We must not be like the 9 lepers that forgot to give thanks.

So while we are all feeling all warm and fuzzy, and focusing on our blessings I'll just briefly mention that there is a "new spot". A small amount of activity on the right side of my body by my collar bone. It's 1.4 cm x 1.8 cm. We are going to watch it and get another PET scan in 6-8 months. It's really not a big deal, just something to be aware of. But I feel like we are in control of the cancer, it is not controlling us.

I am in remission...I am not "cancer free", nor will I ever be. Remission means "a temporary or permanent stage when cancer is not active and symptoms disappear." Cancer free is, in my opinion, overused and misused. Once you have cancer you are never free of it. It is like a monster in a closed closet. Trying to scare you, but you keep shutting the door in it's face. Having cancer is an experience that will change you forever. It has changed me, my family, my marriage and my faith. All for the better. I am actually grateful for it. Crazy me! :)

So there it is! Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life. And again....

The Wonderful News...and the Bummer

Alright, here it is. The scan looked good over all, but there are some new areas "of concern". The cancer was on the left side of my chest and was pretty big (9cm x 12cm). That is gone. That's right...adios! Virtually no activity in that area! How wonderful. What a miracle! So lets bask in that for a moment.....(still basking)....... I am frustrated that the Dr's focus right now is the "inconclusive" part and not that the mass that was thriving and growing in my chest has been stopped. I am so happy! All of our prayers have been answered. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Now for the part that is more on the bummer side. There is a new spot on the right side....actually two spots. Something is showing up by my right collar bone (very small, about 1.6cm) and another next to the right side of my heart (unsure on size). So that's why they want more imaging I guess. To get a different view of those areas.

It is not an emergency or anything that seems like it needs immediate attention, so I am going to get a second opinion on the scan and take it to another radiologist. Then depending on what the results of that is I will decide what kind of further imaging to do if we really need it.

So there it is. The wonderful news and the bummer. I see no reason to focus on the bummer though. I will certainly follow up on it, and work with my Dr, but can we just enjoy the healing miracle that has happened inside of me so far? All of you that have sent up your petitions to our Heavenly Father, can you please say a prayer of thanks to Him in my behalf? He is a loving Father and we should express our greatest gratitude for his mercy. I still have more to learn as my journey continues on, but I know I'm not alone.

PET Scan Results

Come in! Take a seat. Doesn't that chair look comfy? Lets take a look into PET scan land....yay...(dripping sarcasm). Nothing is particularly terrible about having a PET scan done, it's just not my favorite thing to do for a couple of reasons. My Dr is in Scottsdale, so is the imaging place they use (I live and hour from Scottsdale), the scan process itself takes an hour and a half, and lastly I have to avoid pregnant women and children under the age of 12 for 6 hours after because I'm radioactive...you know that sounds like fun! Hehehe...I'm being silly. I'm so glad for this test and grateful for this technology, but you will understand my slight bitterness later on in this post.

***I will get to the results, I promise, but maybe you can get a better understanding of how I feel if you understand a bit more about the whole process. ***

What is a PET scan anyways? I had never heard of it before I had to have one. The one we did last Monday was my THIRD one. PET stands for Positron Emission Tomography and it can distinguish between normal cells and rapidly dividing cancer cells. I have a very elementary understanding of how it works, but here's a rundown of what happens during a PET scan appointment.

First of all you have to come in fasting so that your blood sugar is low. You get to sit down in a hospital recliner (like the one pictured above) and after some friendly small talk they "accesses" you. I have a port in my chest, so I get the needle stuck in there. (I'm used to it by now.) If you don't have a port they just stick your arm. After that poke she pricks your finger to make sure you blood sugar is low enough. I never have problems with this. My blood sugar will drop very fast after fasting just one meal.

Then comes in another person (in my case it is another lady) and she has the scary stuff. The radioactive glucose. That just sounds bad. She is wearing heavy duty gloves and has a syringe with warning labels all over it and is encased in a silver metal tube. Then she quickly injects it into my bloodstream. While you try not to think too hard about what you just got injected with or what it is doing inside of your body you get to lay in your comfy recliner for the better part of an hour. They give you a pillow and blanket, shut off the lights and tell you to move as little as possible. Right. I struggled with this the first time, but by now I'm a pro. Off to dreamland I go.

The lights come on, they tell you to go empty your bladder, and then you get to lay down on the little moving table with your arms over your head for about 25 minutes and again...no moving! The glucose has has a chance to be drawn to the rapidly growing cells in the body (cancer) and the radioactivity lights it up for the scan to see. After all the funny sounds and doing your best not to scratch an itch on your nose you are done and free to eat and go about your life...except for one thing. You are off the charts radioactive! Yikes!

So I spent the day shopping at a nearby Sprouts, stocking up on some organic produce and other hard to find items, then I spent some time at the LDS bookstore by the temple in Mesa. Luckily both places were fairly empty and I wasn't near very many people...good thing I didn't glow green or anything...that would've given me away. ;)

So fast forward to getting the results. Tell us what they are already Val!!!

That's what we want right? That's why I went through all that trouble for that scan...to get results. Good or bad, I just wanted to know. Well the call comes in that the test results are...(drum roll please)..."inconclusive". Yep. Wonderful. This is about how I felt.

So now I have to figure out what to do with that. More radioactive scans? Second opinion? *sigh* I guess that's how it goes. Never easy.

I have a phone appointment with my Dr tomorrow afternoon. We will talk about the options that we have. I am looking into a lot of things right now and I really like what a certain Dr in New York is doing and his amazing success in curing cancer...if I'm not already in remission...who knows. I really would love for this to be the end of my journey, but if it were up to me I wouldn't have started this journey. Shows how much I know. Look at how much I've learned. I would've missed out on it all.

All I know is that I feel great, my life is very blessed and I cherish every moment I have with my family. I will not let myself worry over things that I have no control over yet because I lack knowledge. My faith carries me through and I rely heavily on prayer as I seek for the knowledge that we need.

10 Lepers...where are the 9?

Wow! What a picture...it was taken in Nov of last year. As you read on you will understand why I chose to post it now.

I realize it has been a very long time since my last post and I am blogging from my phone so forgive any typos that slip by. :) I have felt pretty guilty for not continuing my blog. I think I have been trying to be "normal"...to find my life before cancer. To almost hide from what I went through. I would answer peoples questions about how i'm doing, but not to draw any undue attention to myself. I find that even now I don't really want to look at the pictures or see video from when I was going through treatment. Like punching a wound that is trying to heal. Brings back memories and fears. I just wanted to be my old self. I am starting to realize that is an impossible desire. I will never be the same. I am changed and because if the generosity of others I am forever in their debt and must pay it forward.

I am not quite out of the cancer woods yet. I have a PET scan this Monday that quite honestly scares me to death. I have procrastinated this scan for over a month now because I just dont want to do it. After my treatment was over, by all estimations of how the mass was shrinking up to that time, we have been saying that I am in remission. Because of the radioactivity of the test the soonest we could get a look inside of me was in April. Well the dreaded PET scan it's fast approaching and I am trying so hard to cling to my faith and shun the feelings of fear. I am blocking out the "what ifs" that try to bog me down.

As I think of going to the dr on Monday my heart starts to pound and I feel the tears trying to sneak their way out. How badly I want to just grow my hair back and pretend this nightmare never happened. But then I stop myself. This wasn't a nightmare at all...this was a dream come true. I was part of a miracle. And to hide from that prevents me from expressing my utmost gratitude to my Heavenly Father and to those who have helped us on our journey. I've been thinking of the 10 lepers that Christ healed. Was it that only one was grateful? I don't think so. He saved them from a lingering death. But only one thought to express his thanks. What were the others doing??? My guess is celebrating with their families and rejoicing! Excited to get on with their new found health and plan their future! Surely they were grateful, but failed to express it. Sadly I feel I more closely relate to the 9. I am sorry for falling off of the face of the earth. I am so grateful to all of you for your support, prayers, concern and love. I promise that with my experience and with my newfound outlook on things I will reach out to others who need help just as you all have rescued out to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And I love this picture don't you? Shows how far I've come. Me with my shiny cue ball head with ladies who were also going through treatments of their own. I see hope in my eyes and a determination to fight and live! So I say, "bring on the scan!" Bring it on.

Time to Shave...Time To Shine!

Alright. I'm ready to write about this now. It's been quite an adjustment, as you can probably imagine. Your hair is important to you whether you realize it or not. Whether you complain about it everyday or just throw it in a pony tail or under a hat. And it's not just important to women. Men also cherish their hair (hair club for men anyone?)...hehehe. So my hair started falling out. Slowly at first, but it only took a few days. for it to get really bad. Literally raining down on my shoulders and having to carry a lint roller with me so I can clean up chairs and places that I sit. This first picture is of one of the smaller clumps of hair that would fall out every time I brushed my hair or ran my fingers through it.

"Of course your hair is falling out Valerie...your going through CHEMO!" May be what some might think. Well, with the type and doses of chemo I'm doing it is VERY RARE to lose your hair. I talked to my Dr and nurse about it and they told me that when/if people lose hair, it isn't ever enough hair that others will notice. I took some reassurance in this, but felt uneasy about how much I was loosing all day, everyday. Sure enough in about 4 days since it started falling out, the hair ball grew. Leave it to me to be an over achiever and prove them wrong. This is a pic of my hair loss after taking a shower.


That was a hard shower to take. I knew in my heart that my hair was done. I couldn't live with all the hair mess anymore. Feeling like a shedding dog, leaving a trail of hair everywhere I went. I even had to sweep the floor after teaching Zumba one night because of all the hair on the ground. I felt so gross. I made the call to Brandi, my great hair girl, and scheduled a time for it all to go. Here is a picture of one of my awkward bald spots. I felt like having a head splattered with ultra thin hair spots made me look sicker. Made me feel worse even. It had to go. I had it cut off October 7th, at about 4pm.

She had to do some preliminary trimming. I was holding myself together pretty well until she pulled out the clippers...

A few videos can tell the story better than my words...











Feeling the clippers on my head was so strange. I didn't like it at all. The noise, the vibration, the hair falling all around me. I'll never forget it. Doubting myself the whole time. "Is this the right thing to do?" "Am I giving in to the hair loss, letting the cancer win?" Should I hold on to what I have for as long as I can?"

After the hair was gone I had a hard time. I wouldn't look in the mirror or let any one touch it. Which was quite a challenge getting ready to teach my Zumba class that night...but I successfully avoided all mirrors until I got my dome covered up. I did reveal my head to my class that night. They were amazingly supportive, of course, and I tried to look at myself again. That attempt ended in tears. I'm so stubborn sometimes. I didn't really look at myself for almost 2 days. Starting with just touching it at first, and looking at my shadow. Then seeing my reflection in my peripheral vision. It is a hard thing to get used to! Once I did accept the reflection looking back at me I was better, and the more time has passed the more comfortable I am with it.

Having no hair has changed me in so many ways. I never really appreciated myself before. Like many other women, I was super hard on myself. Pointing out and noticing my every flaw. My every imperfection. It is good to want to improve yourself, but I never appreciated myself PHYSICALLY. Always nitpicking. Now that I have lost that long brown hair that I used to hide behind there is nothing left to look at but ME! Pure 100% me. And how I was surprised by how much I liked myself. By how many pictures of myself I saw without hair and actually thought. "I look pretty!" (I used to try and avoid being in pictures. I hated 8 out of 10 pictures of myself.) So that is a HUGE step forward for me! And that's why I say I never appreciated myself. I had so much, and it took it all being threatened (and some of it taken away) for me to have this great growth in myself. Although I cannot pin point when I changed, when I saw things differently, I know that I see things as they really are now. I see what is important in life and I know that being unhappy about the shape of your face or about the size of your nose or thighs is POINTLESS! Don't do it! I see my beauty now. And it's not just in a physical way. It's like I can see my spirit too. I feel like I just want to SHINE!