The "Old Mommy"

Life has a funny way of making you realize that you are in control of absolutely nothing. Sometimes it feels like a rude slap in the face. Well...let me rephrase that. You can control nothing that goes on outside of you. Even this cancer that threatens me. Even though it is technically "inside" of my body...it is not inside of me. No illness, disease or circumstance should be able to threaten my spirit or mindset. Yet is it really that easy? Can we just always be "above it all"? ....I'm not sure.... Always may be an unattainable word to use. Now as I focus on healing, positive thoughts, and love, I reflect often on times in my life where there were far smaller problems and situations and I just let them get to me and really get me down. Since I can't afford such reckless emotional behavior right now I try so hard to keep myself happy, hopeful and healing. Bad feelings will only slow down my progress. But sometimes things get in the way and break my heart. I am quick to mend it up again with my faith, but it still hurts.


My son Joey (above) is 7 years old, but his emotions and ability to pick up on things unspoken are well beyond his years. He said, "Mommy, I wish there was no such thing as cancer." "Me too sweetie. But it will be gone soon and all these Dr appointments will be all done too." "Ok "...then he just hugs me, kisses me and goes to play. He just has a sweet, sincere way about him. One day when I wasn't feeling well (I seem to get little annoying ilnesses easily) He said in a moment of honest child-like reflection, "I miss the old Mommy." Talk about a tear jerker! I held them in as I hugged him and assured him that I will be ok and will have all of my energy back soon. He seemed happy at that and left . My friend Kerry and I were both in tears. It is hard to hear things like that coming from your child. I want to shield them from those kinds of feelings.

I long for the end of this so badly. for it all to be behind us and just a memory of a victorious fight and a miracle made possible by other people's love and generosity. I long to be on the other side of service. To be the one serving and donating to someone who desperately needs it, making miracles happen in their life. But for now that someone is me. My family. My sweet Joey.

I am learning so much. Learning so much self control over my thoughts and feelings. I my feel the sad feelings, but I try not to dwell on them. I acknowledge them and move on. Focusing on something outside of myself. My children are a great distraction most of the time. My husband is too. We are so blessed to share the kind of love and understanding that we do.

Right now I am just looking forward to Sept 7th at 9:30am...treatment starts! I am glad to start so that we can look forward to the end. It's going to be a tiring schedule though. 5 days a week for 3 hours (not including the hour ride there and back). I will be treated Tues through Sat. The schedule makes me feel hopeful. That we are hitting it aggressively from all sides and we are not taking chances with a watered down protocol...even though that means less money. I am glad that I realize that my mindset is everything and that I have total control over that. It's not easy, but keeping grounded in my faith is a great place to start. Don't worry Joey, The "old Mommy" didn't go anywhere. She is still here fighting this off and winning.