Sunday, December 9, 2012

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To

I'm all smiles and strength. That's what people need to see. That's what my kids need to see. That's what I need. 

Putting on a brave face does help me stay positive and hopeful even when times are hardest. It's like you can "trick" your emotions into being happy when that's definitely not the first emotion that you feel. You can say "things are going well" enough times and actually start to believe yourself. I know this is important in my path to becoming cancer free. A positive attitude can, and has been what I rely on to get through each day. I try to see how much I do have. 

My beautiful kids, my fairytale true love that I get to be married to, an awesome support system in friends and family, and so much more. I think the key to having a sunny outlook is gratitude. 

Even with all that said. I am sitting alone, on my 32nd birthday, in my hospital room (it has practically become mine because I've been here so often) and I'm sobbing. Not just getting teary, but sobbing uncontrolably. Tissues are all over the place in my dimly lit room. It doesn't happen often, and especially not when people are here. Just when I'm alone. 

I'm not ashamed of this because I feel like this is also a healthy behavior. It is cleansing. 

So because I don't break down often, when I do I do it right! I cry until my eyes are ugly puffy and my nose is red and hurts from blowing it so much. I just let myself get it all out and I usually feel better. 

It only takes a few minutes of this and I'm "cured" of my blues. I think the process of my treatments just start to wear me down and I don't realize it right away. My life has so many wonderful distractions (my kids and husband) that I don't get sad often anymore. 

Being in the hospital is a rude awakening to the seriousness of my situation though. I think I minimize it to help me put good energy and love into my family. Like I said, you start to believe yourself! 

Even as I am typing, I started out not even being able to see the screen through my I'm not crying. Writing is very therapeutic too. It helps me control my mind. 

Sometimes if I'm left alone with my thoughts too long I start to now. So I start to type and it helps me realize that yes, I am crying and it is a major bummer to spend your birthday in the hospital, but I am grateful for so much.

So again I have changed my emotions through intentional actions and positive words and thoughts...until next time. And next time will definitely come, but I know I can get through this. Not only physically, but emotionally.

I am stronger than I think. Well more accurately, I am strengthened when I need it. I know that my faith in Jesus Christ is the rock I need to stand on. I know He suffered and died for us. I know that He knows my physical and emotional pain and He is there to send his angels to comfort me, and that I am never really alone. That is my testimony, in His holy name, amen.

Oh...and Happy Birthday to me!!!