Monday, August 29, 2011

Both Sides of The Coin: Faith and Fear

So emotional today. I feel physically worse than I ever have and it has been very hard to keep my spirits up. I have relied heavily on close friends and my family. Is it possible to be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel alone? I don't get it. Maybe it's because no one can really feel what I feel. (Not that I ever want them to.)

I also have a hard time with being able to see the cancer. I don't like that I look in the mirror and there it is. I feel it every moment of the day and if I have to cough, sneeze, or blow my nose the pain can take me to my knees. It just feels so scary this time. It hurts so much.

I look at my children and start to take in every moment. Their smiles, their faces, their laughs and even the fighting. "What if this is what brings me back to our Father in Heaven?"...crosses my mind, but I shake it out. Hard to shake it out. Maybe everyone that is diagnosed with something that could potentially take their life contemplates what would happen if they were to die. I don't know. I hate that the thought even crosses my mind, but I hope that it is normal...and that I'm not being melodramatic.

*pause* (I have to go do bedtime stuff)...

As I came back to the computer and read over what I just wrote, this thought was brought to my mind...I let fear get a hold of me today! Fear will make you feel alone. Fear will make you think thoughts that you might not otherwise entertain. Fear will freeze your progress and make you doubt your own abilities. I vow to all who read this that I will shake my shackles of fear and have faith.

Faith in what? Faith that all things happen for a reason. That my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten about me. Faith that all things are possible though our Savior, Jesus Christ. Faith that the strength to do this was put into me and that I can tap into it whenever I want! I want to!!! I want to NOW! I am going to immerse myself in my faith. For where there is faith, there can be NO fear.

I am glad that my sweet Lily interrupted my writing. I am also glad that I wrote my true raw emotions in the beginning of this post. (I was tempted to go change it.) But I think it is a real look into the beginning of my cancer fight. The fight starts in your mind. Not a fight with yourself necessarily, but a fight to find your better self. A self that learns to tap into a higher power of strength. Nothing you can see or touch, but it is so real. FAITH. If you choose faith, it will crush your fear. (Even as I type this I have stopped crying. I love it!)

"Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."

-'How Firm A Foundation", Hymn #85 verse 3, LDS Hymn Book

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Again. I will beat it AGAIN!

I am not sure how this post is going to turn out. I am so sad right now. My insides are literally trembling. It is 7 am on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept last night, I cried a lot though. We found out yesterday at 5pm that I have Cancer...again. Hodgkins Lymphoma...again. Even though I haven't been feeling well, and through my tests we have been talking about the worst case scenario, it still hit me hard. Harder today than yesterday. We found out at 5pm yesterday. I called my parents, then I went to go teach Zumba. A great distraction.

Here is a quote from my last post:
"Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life." Crazy the irony, because the simple act of breathing is what is hard for me right now. Literally. I have a 4 cm x 3.4 cm mass in my neck that is displacing my trachea (wind pipe) and my thyroid gland. The size of it doesn't seem as alarming as the 9cm x 13 cm mass that was in my chest last time, but when you think of putting a foreign object the size of a golf ball in your neck...that image is unsettling. You can see the anatomy of the neck in this picture, now put that golf ball at the base of the neck, right above the collarbone.

It is also shocking how fast it came on. My last scan wasn't very long ago. Apparently lymphoma isn't like most solid mass tumors that take a bit of time to grow. It only needs a few weeks.

So it is safe to say that I am in a state of shock. I just want to go on with life, not letting it affect the way I think, but it is honestly a struggle right now. I will get myself together and push forward on the path that I am on, but right now I just don't feel like being strong. I just feel sad. Understandable, I know, but I hate being sad. I don't want to let myself feel it, yet at the same time it feels so good to just let the tears flow freely.

How can I feel terrified and hopeful at the same time? I don't know, but I do. We did this once and we can do it again. As I started writing this I wasn't sure if I'd go through with posting it. I just felt like I needed to write and vent. To get my feelings out so hopefully I can let them go, but not totally sure I was ready to share my struggles with everyone yet. As I am nearing the end of my thoughts right now I have felt my inside trembling calm down and the tears seem to be done, for now. So I am going to call a few family members and close friends that I haven't talked to yet, and then post this.

I need you. I need your encouraging comments. You give me so much strength. Now that I am feeling brave enough to share I will do it...before I change my mind.

***I wrote this On Saturday and I am just posting it now. A lot has happened and I feel less sad and "trembly", and more resolved and determined. When you find out bad news you go through phases with it. Different emotions at different times. I'm glad the pity party phase is over. It's my least favorite. On to the "we can do this!" phase!***