So emotional today. I feel physically worse than I ever have and it has been very hard to keep my spirits up. I have relied heavily on close friends and my family. Is it possible to be surrounded by loved ones and yet feel alone? I don't get it. Maybe it's because no one can really feel what I feel. (Not that I ever want them to.)
I also have a hard time with being able to see the cancer. I don't like that I look in the mirror and there it is. I feel it every moment of the day and if I have to cough, sneeze, or blow my nose the pain can take me to my knees. It just feels so scary this time. It hurts so much.
I look at my children and start to take in every moment. Their smiles, their faces, their laughs and even the fighting. "What if this is what brings me back to our Father in Heaven?"...crosses my mind, but I shake it out. Hard to shake it out. Maybe everyone that is diagnosed with something that could potentially take their life contemplates what would happen if they were to die. I don't know. I hate that the thought even crosses my mind, but I hope that it is normal...and that I'm not being melodramatic.
*pause* (I have to go do bedtime stuff)...
As I came back to the computer and read over what I just wrote, this thought was brought to my mind...I let fear get a hold of me today! Fear will make you feel alone. Fear will make you think thoughts that you might not otherwise entertain. Fear will freeze your progress and make you doubt your own abilities. I vow to all who read this that I will shake my shackles of fear and have faith.
Faith in what? Faith that all things happen for a reason. That my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten about me. Faith that all things are possible though our Savior, Jesus Christ. Faith that the strength to do this was put into me and that I can tap into it whenever I want! I want to!!! I want to NOW! I am going to immerse myself in my faith. For where there is faith, there can be NO fear.
I am glad that my sweet Lily interrupted my writing. I am also glad that I wrote my true raw emotions in the beginning of this post. (I was tempted to go change it.) But I think it is a real look into the beginning of my cancer fight. The fight starts in your mind. Not a fight with yourself necessarily, but a fight to find your better self. A self that learns to tap into a higher power of strength. Nothing you can see or touch, but it is so real. FAITH. If you choose faith, it will crush your fear. (Even as I type this I have stopped crying. I love it!)
"Fear not I am with thee, oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand."
-'How Firm A Foundation", Hymn #85 verse 3, LDS Hymn Book