I am not sure how this post is going to turn out. I am so sad right now. My insides are literally trembling. It is 7 am on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept last night, I cried a lot though. We found out yesterday at 5pm that I have Cancer...again. Hodgkins Lymphoma...again. Even though I haven't been feeling well, and through my tests we have been talking about the worst case scenario, it still hit me hard. Harder today than yesterday. We found out at 5pm yesterday. I called my parents, then I went to go teach Zumba. A great distraction.
Here is a quote from my last post: "Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life." Crazy the irony, because the simple act of breathing is what is hard for me right now. Literally. I have a 4 cm x 3.4 cm mass in my neck that is displacing my trachea (wind pipe) and my thyroid gland. The size of it doesn't seem as alarming as the 9cm x 13 cm mass that was in my chest last time, but when you think of putting a foreign object the size of a golf ball in your neck...that image is unsettling. You can see the anatomy of the neck in this picture, now put that golf ball at the base of the neck, right above the collarbone.
It is also shocking how fast it came on. My last scan wasn't very long ago. Apparently lymphoma isn't like most solid mass tumors that take a bit of time to grow. It only needs a few weeks.
So it is safe to say that I am in a state of shock. I just want to go on with life, not letting it affect the way I think, but it is honestly a struggle right now. I will get myself together and push forward on the path that I am on, but right now I just don't feel like being strong. I just feel sad. Understandable, I know, but I hate being sad. I don't want to let myself feel it, yet at the same time it feels so good to just let the tears flow freely.
How can I feel terrified and hopeful at the same time? I don't know, but I do. We did this once and we can do it again. As I started writing this I wasn't sure if I'd go through with posting it. I just felt like I needed to write and vent. To get my feelings out so hopefully I can let them go, but not totally sure I was ready to share my struggles with everyone yet. As I am nearing the end of my thoughts right now I have felt my inside trembling calm down and the tears seem to be done, for now. So I am going to call a few family members and close friends that I haven't talked to yet, and then post this.
I need you. I need your encouraging comments. You give me so much strength. Now that I am feeling brave enough to share I will do it...before I change my mind.
***I wrote this On Saturday and I am just posting it now. A lot has happened and I feel less sad and "trembly", and more resolved and determined. When you find out bad news you go through phases with it. Different emotions at different times. I'm glad the pity party phase is over. It's my least favorite. On to the "we can do this!" phase!***