Saturday, August 27, 2011

Again. I will beat it AGAIN!

I am not sure how this post is going to turn out. I am so sad right now. My insides are literally trembling. It is 7 am on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept last night, I cried a lot though. We found out yesterday at 5pm that I have Cancer...again. Hodgkins Lymphoma...again. Even though I haven't been feeling well, and through my tests we have been talking about the worst case scenario, it still hit me hard. Harder today than yesterday. We found out at 5pm yesterday. I called my parents, then I went to go teach Zumba. A great distraction.

Here is a quote from my last post:
"Hard to believe that this girl, who has had more Dr appointments in the last year than I've had my entire life, can take a breather. Breathing is good. Breathe and enjoy life." Crazy the irony, because the simple act of breathing is what is hard for me right now. Literally. I have a 4 cm x 3.4 cm mass in my neck that is displacing my trachea (wind pipe) and my thyroid gland. The size of it doesn't seem as alarming as the 9cm x 13 cm mass that was in my chest last time, but when you think of putting a foreign object the size of a golf ball in your neck...that image is unsettling. You can see the anatomy of the neck in this picture, now put that golf ball at the base of the neck, right above the collarbone.

It is also shocking how fast it came on. My last scan wasn't very long ago. Apparently lymphoma isn't like most solid mass tumors that take a bit of time to grow. It only needs a few weeks.

So it is safe to say that I am in a state of shock. I just want to go on with life, not letting it affect the way I think, but it is honestly a struggle right now. I will get myself together and push forward on the path that I am on, but right now I just don't feel like being strong. I just feel sad. Understandable, I know, but I hate being sad. I don't want to let myself feel it, yet at the same time it feels so good to just let the tears flow freely.

How can I feel terrified and hopeful at the same time? I don't know, but I do. We did this once and we can do it again. As I started writing this I wasn't sure if I'd go through with posting it. I just felt like I needed to write and vent. To get my feelings out so hopefully I can let them go, but not totally sure I was ready to share my struggles with everyone yet. As I am nearing the end of my thoughts right now I have felt my inside trembling calm down and the tears seem to be done, for now. So I am going to call a few family members and close friends that I haven't talked to yet, and then post this.

I need you. I need your encouraging comments. You give me so much strength. Now that I am feeling brave enough to share I will do it...before I change my mind.

***I wrote this On Saturday and I am just posting it now. A lot has happened and I feel less sad and "trembly", and more resolved and determined. When you find out bad news you go through phases with it. Different emotions at different times. I'm glad the pity party phase is over. It's my least favorite. On to the "we can do this!" phase!***


  1. I love you so much, Val. You were given this because you can handle it!

  2. I totally echo everything your sister said. I'm so sad, sorry, angry, upset, emotional, you name it! to hear about this. That cancer better be scared because you're going to beat the living begeebees out of it!

  3. Valerie...I'm crying with you as I read this. I completely relate to the whole cycle of emotions. Getting my raw feelings out and sharing them is therapeutic for me. You have so much support, it's just a testament of what an inspirational, beloved person you are. And your followers are growing in number. Apparently your work is not done. The Lord needs you to inspire some more people. For all you know, you've saved lives with your posts. Someone who is feeling hopeless and down and like life isn't worth living could be reading your posts and seeing that you are going through worse things and fighting to the end and now their strength has been renewed. I'm sure of it. I know you've helped me put things into perspective. We love you, Val. The Coppee family, I mean - I'm not talking about my multiple personalities. LOL.

  4. Oh my gosh Val! I had no idea. You acted completely normal at church and I just didn't know until now. I am so sorry! I will continue praying for you. I hope you are feeling more supported and loved. Thank you for letting us know so we could continue praying for you. love you, jenny

  5. Oh Pretty, I know you will kick it's BUTT!! You are and have been since the moment I met you such an inspiration to me. I hate that you are having to deal with this again. I can only begin to imagine the range of emotions you must have. Because at this moment I myself am having SO many FOR YOU!!! But you will prevail. The Lord will bless you and will walk this road with you, yet again.

  6. Hearing this made me so worried for you, but as I read your words, it just became so clear that, if anyone can, you can do this. You impress me so much with your strength and courage and your "fighter's" attitude. You and your family are and will be in our prayers.