Tuesday, May 3, 2011
10 Lepers...where are the 9?
Wow! What a picture...it was taken in Nov of last year. As you read on you will understand why I chose to post it now.
I realize it has been a very long time since my last post and I am blogging from my phone so forgive any typos that slip by. :) I have felt pretty guilty for not continuing my blog. I think I have been trying to be "normal"...to find my life before cancer. To almost hide from what I went through. I would answer peoples questions about how i'm doing, but not to draw any undue attention to myself. I find that even now I don't really want to look at the pictures or see video from when I was going through treatment. Like punching a wound that is trying to heal. Brings back memories and fears. I just wanted to be my old self. I am starting to realize that is an impossible desire. I will never be the same. I am changed and because if the generosity of others I am forever in their debt and must pay it forward.
I am not quite out of the cancer woods yet. I have a PET scan this Monday that quite honestly scares me to death. I have procrastinated this scan for over a month now because I just dont want to do it. After my treatment was over, by all estimations of how the mass was shrinking up to that time, we have been saying that I am in remission. Because of the radioactivity of the test the soonest we could get a look inside of me was in April. Well the dreaded PET scan it's fast approaching and I am trying so hard to cling to my faith and shun the feelings of fear. I am blocking out the "what ifs" that try to bog me down.
As I think of going to the dr on Monday my heart starts to pound and I feel the tears trying to sneak their way out. How badly I want to just grow my hair back and pretend this nightmare never happened. But then I stop myself. This wasn't a nightmare at all...this was a dream come true. I was part of a miracle. And to hide from that prevents me from expressing my utmost gratitude to my Heavenly Father and to those who have helped us on our journey. I've been thinking of the 10 lepers that Christ healed. Was it that only one was grateful? I don't think so. He saved them from a lingering death. But only one thought to express his thanks. What were the others doing??? My guess is celebrating with their families and rejoicing! Excited to get on with their new found health and plan their future! Surely they were grateful, but failed to express it. Sadly I feel I more closely relate to the 9. I am sorry for falling off of the face of the earth. I am so grateful to all of you for your support, prayers, concern and love. I promise that with my experience and with my newfound outlook on things I will reach out to others who need help just as you all have rescued out to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And I love this picture don't you? Shows how far I've come. Me with my shiny cue ball head with ladies who were also going through treatments of their own. I see hope in my eyes and a determination to fight and live! So I say, "bring on the scan!" Bring it on.