Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The "Old Mommy"

Life has a funny way of making you realize that you are in control of absolutely nothing. Sometimes it feels like a rude slap in the face. Well...let me rephrase that. You can control nothing that goes on outside of you. Even this cancer that threatens me. Even though it is technically "inside" of my body...it is not inside of me. No illness, disease or circumstance should be able to threaten my spirit or mindset. Yet is it really that easy? Can we just always be "above it all"? ....I'm not sure.... Always may be an unattainable word to use. Now as I focus on healing, positive thoughts, and love, I reflect often on times in my life where there were far smaller problems and situations and I just let them get to me and really get me down. Since I can't afford such reckless emotional behavior right now I try so hard to keep myself happy, hopeful and healing. Bad feelings will only slow down my progress. But sometimes things get in the way and break my heart. I am quick to mend it up again with my faith, but it still hurts.

My son Joey (above) is 7 years old, but his emotions and ability to pick up on things unspoken are well beyond his years. He said, "Mommy, I wish there was no such thing as cancer." "Me too sweetie. But it will be gone soon and all these Dr appointments will be all done too." "Ok "...then he just hugs me, kisses me and goes to play. He just has a sweet, sincere way about him. One day when I wasn't feeling well (I seem to get little annoying ilnesses easily) He said in a moment of honest child-like reflection, "I miss the old Mommy." Talk about a tear jerker! I held them in as I hugged him and assured him that I will be ok and will have all of my energy back soon. He seemed happy at that and left . My friend Kerry and I were both in tears. It is hard to hear things like that coming from your child. I want to shield them from those kinds of feelings.

I long for the end of this so badly. for it all to be behind us and just a memory of a victorious fight and a miracle made possible by other people's love and generosity. I long to be on the other side of service. To be the one serving and donating to someone who desperately needs it, making miracles happen in their life. But for now that someone is me. My family. My sweet Joey.

I am learning so much. Learning so much self control over my thoughts and feelings. I my feel the sad feelings, but I try not to dwell on them. I acknowledge them and move on. Focusing on something outside of myself. My children are a great distraction most of the time. My husband is too. We are so blessed to share the kind of love and understanding that we do.

Right now I am just looking forward to Sept 7th at 9:30am...treatment starts! I am glad to start so that we can look forward to the end. It's going to be a tiring schedule though. 5 days a week for 3 hours (not including the hour ride there and back). I will be treated Tues through Sat. The schedule makes me feel hopeful. That we are hitting it aggressively from all sides and we are not taking chances with a watered down protocol...even though that means less money. I am glad that I realize that my mindset is everything and that I have total control over that. It's not easy, but keeping grounded in my faith is a great place to start. Don't worry Joey, The "old Mommy" didn't go anywhere. She is still here fighting this off and winning.


  1. :').... you are amazing! Keep up the good spirits! You'll beat this!...
    I too as your child wish the same!... Old mommy will be back in no time!


  2. You are amazing! Some books that are so great are The Secret, The Power, and anything by Norman Vincent Peale but mostly his Power of Positive Thinking. It is all faith based with Norman, and so uplifting I think you would love it! Prayers to you. My Mom had a rare cancer that had no cure. But it sounds like you are well on your way to full recovery. The mind is the strongest thing in overcoming illness! Good luck to you! Prayers to you always! My favorite scriputre is I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me! I said that alot while caring for My Mom!

  3. We are pulling for you Val.

    Kerry's mom and dad

  4. The wonderful thing about childhood is that they'll forget most of this. They'll remember that it was a hard time for the family, but not every little detail about what happened day by day. That's the blessing of youth. Joey is an insightful boy who will grow into a wonderful man. I know he'll do great things and, because of your example, will always have that soft,caring heart.

  5. (((hugs)))

    Joey is such a sweet little boy! He's talked about a lot in our house. I'm going to go add you on facebook so I can send you our contact info so that we can have Joey over to play with Ethan soon.

  6. Valerie, you are so incredible.
    I am so glad that I have the chance to get to know you. What an amazing example you are to me.

  7. Just want to say I miss you and love you. I am sending something your way, but didn't want to part with it, because every time I passed it on my table I thought of you and I liked that little reminder everyday. I have to be strong like you and put it in the mail finally so it can do the work it is supposed to do for you from your bestest friend so far away hating that I am not there for you and your family!! Be strong, lots of love from us.

  8. i don't know you {a friend of jamie andersen's} but i admire your faith & perspective so much! you are one strong, courageous woman....i'll be praying for you & your sweet family.

  9. I too very much believe in the power of positivity. Stay strong, you seem to be doing great in your energy. AND YOUR SON: IS BEAUTIFUL. Lucky girl :)

  10. Hmmm :) My captcha for the last comment was "joyous". Must mean something. Have a great weekend!

  11. Hi my name is Kenna & I just read your story! If there is anything I can do to help, like volunteer at an event or something. Please let me know! We will keep you and your family in our prayers.


  12. Hello!

    My name is Kelly, I was driving home today and came across a fundraiser cureval yard sale sign which really stuck out and grabbed me. I stopped and found out about your story and you captured my heart, my prayers go out to you and your family. Your strength is amazing!

    I am a photographer and live here in San Tan Heights I also live on Tanner Ranch Rd. I have asked all my friends, family & clients to reach out and help. I have organized a book drive to try and earn money for you and your family, it's the least we could do! My book drive will go on till Oct 2 and we will donate all the proceeds of the books directly to you.

    I too am a mother of 4 children and know how your heart breaks to hear those sad words from your little ones, though they are our strength & our mircles, as I believe God will grant you your mircle of a healthly life back soon.

    I had a very young cousin age 5 who was diagonsed with a rare form of Luekiema back 20 years ago was given a short time of life left, full of tumors in his little body. His mother a nurse, his grandfather a doctor and their was nothing they could do but pray and everyone did.

    The lord answered the prayers and his tumors disappeared baffeled all the doctors and today he is a healthy man living life. Just wanted to share my story as a testimate that miracles DO happen.

    Keep up your amazing strength, positive thoughts you are a true insipration to all! I hope that what we raise will help! I will continue to share your story to help you and your family.
    God Bless You


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  14. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Someone told me about this guy claiming to heal anything that isn't genetic. Please email me if you want to give him a call. God bless you and your family, I will pray for you.