I found this picture and it fits perfectly how I feel this morning. I have part of me "shut down", so to speak, and yet I am forced to keep one eye open. I need to see and understand what lies ahead, but so much of it is unknown.
If I think about the unknown too much I am uncontrollably emotional. So I just feel like I can only peak through my fingers and know one thing at time. Handle one thing at a time. What scares me most is my anger. Through all of this I have never felt this before.
Fear, determination, sadness, confusion...all familiar feelings. But I am actually angry.
I think it is being angry that scares me the most. I have a hard time feeling close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and even (sadly) to think a prayer for the last few days. I thought I had faith. I actually know I do...somewhere...but it is buried I guess. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's just a huge struggle right now. I feel a bit scared and uncomfortable even sharing these personal feelings.
I think in the eternal perspective of things I'm probably acting like a spoiled child. A child who keeps asking for something, and when she doesn't get exactly what she wants, how she wants it, she throws a tantrum. Maybe even giving her parents the silent treatment for a while. That's how mature I feel.
Again, as I write, I start to think clearly. You are literally reading things as they come to my mind. (Proof to me that I haven't been forgotten by our God, as he is constantly forgiving me for my shortcomings. Even in this moment he is enlightening my mind.)
I have been waiting to feel comforted. To feel like everything is going to be ok. I guess I just wanted it to fall out of the sky and into my heart. No effort required. Well...surprise...it's not working like that. I am committing right now to our Father in Heaven, and myself, that instead of waiting to feel my strength of faith again, I will fight for it.
I will seek it out. Study and pray. Even if it feels hard.
...you know...I have felt like this long ago. It is coming back to me now...
When I was struggling through my teen years I made decisions and choices that pulled me away from the spirit of God. I felt separated and distant. Similar to how I feel now. Not that this cancer stuff is anything due to bad choices of mine, but I can't help but notice how similar I feel.
When I was struggling with repenting back then, my Bishop told me that Satan was working hard on me. Trying to place my guilt as a wedge between me and the Lord. He told me that I had to push past it and know that Heavenly Father wanted to hear from me and help me, despite how I felt inside.
I remember the struggle as I tried to draw near to him., but felt so distant.
Now I feel like Satan is trying to use my anger as a similar wedge.
I must fight it.
I overcame before and I will do it again. Seeking out His word and drawing on the strength of Christ's atonement. I will stop letting myself be tossed in the wind, and instead reach for the Iron Rod that will lead my heart back to Him.
Being brave and full of faith is easier said than done...but I know it will be well worth the work.