Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Be Brave...Easier Said Than Done

I found this picture and it fits perfectly how I feel this morning. I have part of me "shut down", so to speak, and yet I am forced to keep one eye open. I need to see and understand what lies ahead, but so much of it is unknown.

 If I think about the unknown too much I am uncontrollably emotional. So I just feel like I can only peak through my fingers and know one thing at  time. Handle one thing at a time. What scares me most is my anger. Through all of this I have never felt this before. 

Fear, determination, sadness, confusion...all familiar feelings. But I am actually angry

I think it is being angry that scares me the most. I have a hard time feeling close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and even (sadly) to think a prayer for the last few days. I thought I had faith. I actually know I do...somewhere...but it is buried I guess. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's just a huge struggle right now. I feel a bit scared and uncomfortable even sharing these personal feelings.

I think in the eternal perspective of things I'm probably acting like a spoiled child. A child who keeps asking for something, and when she doesn't get exactly what she wants, how she wants it, she throws a tantrum. Maybe even giving her parents the silent treatment for a while. That's how mature I feel.

Again, as I write, I start to think clearly. You are literally reading things as they come to my mind. (Proof to me that I haven't been forgotten by our God, as he is constantly forgiving me for my shortcomings. Even in this moment he is enlightening my mind.)

I have been waiting to feel comforted. To feel like everything is going to be ok. I guess I just wanted it to fall out of the sky and into my heart. No effort required.'s not working like that. I am committing right now to our Father in Heaven, and myself, that instead of waiting to feel my strength of faith again, I will fight for it.

I will seek it out. Study and pray. Even if it feels hard. know...I have felt like this long ago. It is coming back to me now...

When I was struggling through my teen years I made decisions and choices that pulled me away from the spirit of God. I felt separated and distant. Similar to how I feel now. Not that this cancer stuff is anything due to bad choices of mine, but I can't help but notice how similar I feel.

When I was struggling with repenting back then, my Bishop told me that Satan was working hard on me. Trying to place my guilt as a wedge between me and the Lord. He told me that I had to push past it and know that Heavenly Father wanted to hear from me and help me, despite how I felt inside.

I remember the struggle as I tried to draw near to him., but felt so distant. 

Now I feel like Satan is trying to use my anger as a similar wedge.

I must fight it.

I overcame before and I will do it again. Seeking out His word and drawing on the strength of Christ's atonement. I will stop letting myself be tossed in the wind, and instead reach for the Iron Rod that will lead my heart back to Him.

Being brave and full of faith is easier said than done...but I know it will be well worth the work.


  1. Val - ALL your feelings are valid - you are HUMAN. With all you have gone through, I would be surprised if you did NOT question your faith. We know our God to be a kind and loving God........but how could such a loving God put a person through such trial? I think you are answering your own questions - and I am glad you have an outlet for your emotions. Faith is a journey and the path is not always what we wish it to be.

    Thank you for your honesty. I think we can all learn a little through your thoughts.

    Sending prayers and positive vibes. Go Val go!

  2. You should write a book. I'm serious. I am crying AGAIN because you have just typed what I feel, but am too cowardly to admit most of the time. Once again, you are amazing! And even more amazing than that is the fact that you don't even know how amazing you are.

  3. This might be selfish for me to say but your words inspire me. You are amazing Val!! Just like your friend said you are human so keep blogging.

  4. really Val, you are so amazing, and transparent, vulnerable, yet available and accessible. Kristin is right, you have a book or movie in you somewhere, ready to come out. Peeps used to think it was SELFISH as you say to ask for stuff from God a lot, but you know, in just having read the book, the Prayer of JABEZ, it is exactly what He wants us to do! In fact, think of someone depositing oh lets say a TRILLION $$$ into your bank account, yet you live like you are on your last $500 or 1,000 with no hope in sight. When it's our turn on the other side of the eternal spectrum, God shows you an incredible treasured warehouse. He asks, dude or in your case dudette :>) lol - sorry ... do u know what this is? Most don't. He tells them, I wanted to bless you so much every day, every way, while you were on earth. I had the angels ready to take off on Flight 747 to bring these to your doorstep one by one, but no one ever asked. We have not, because we ask not. I hope this helps next time you feel a little bit low or alone. Faith comes by hearing, and hearing gives us that hope to believe we can and we should. This can be applied in anything in life. Look at me. Sure I had an athletic pedigree and legacy, but that was long gone and forgotten about. Who ever would have thought, a funny old grey haired balding man, with a gut protruding out nearly hanging to the floor (270 lbs.) a few years back, a SENIOR CITIZEN (who knows maybe the oldest Zumba male teacher in AZ) could ever have a hope or prayer of (a) doing Zumba, (b) teaching Zumba. Does God answer prayers? Is He the Father of all miracles? YES HE IS. I say that to inspire you my Sweet Angel, cause there were a lot of times in life, I had the same dark doubts. Put them aside. It's great peeps like you, and my friends at the All Faith Center, Sam/Cindy Meranto who put a new head on peeps, and help them to succeed. You can do this. We are with u. An army strong. Val's army! So many of you have helped me, now it is time for each of us, to help one another. It is my privilege and honor to have great peeps like you Valerie and Jess in my life. Thank you.