Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I'm Not Home :(

It has taken me a while to come to a place that I am able to blog...but I am better now. I just really had my heart set on the first plan. Then when that plan was changed (in my fragile emotional state) it took me a while to come to grips with things. 

So here is what's going on.

Like the title says, I was not able to go home today like I had wanted. It seriously broke my heart. I was looking forward to tucking my kids in and being held in my husbands arms. But three of my doctors are concerned about how many times this situation has recurred and want to do an extra test tomorrow. They are going to go into my spine and get a sample of my spinal fluid to look for anything off or cancer related there. If it is there, then it will add further treatment to my plan to try to cut the head off of this beast. If it is not there...well then we are throwing a party! Hehehe...seriously! 

I am very, very scared of this procedure. It is very delicate and has to be exact, or there will be very negative side effects. One thing I am glad that is not being discussed anymore is a biopsy of the tumor in my brain. While I am unsettled about the idea of them going into my spine, I am frightened at the thought of them going into my head! That would be way worse. So I'm trying to focus there. 

I also want to thank you for your love, concern and prayers.

I do have to admit that I blog for selfish reasons though. I blog for me. To keep my head straight. To figure out what I am thinking and to be better able to organize my thoughts and the facts. I tend to blog when I'm most scared or things are unknown. Kind of how I cope.

To know that I am not alone and that others are out there pulling for me, and thinking of us, helps me a lot. So know that I need you. I have always been the kind of person that loves to be surrounded by friends that feel support and love me. I've tried to be the kind of person that people want to love in the first place! But I just had to thank all of you for caring.

This is very scary. It never gets any easier. But I am strengthened by you. <3 div="div">

I will post an update as soon as I can as to how tomorrow goes. 

Good night!


  1. It is scary I agree, but if I know the toughest kid on the block, it's you Valerie, hands down! We are glad to envelope you in a community of love, each one of us cares for you, and prays for you in our own ways, wishing we could do more to help you thru the process. If blogging helps clear your mind mama, then you blog on away, all you want. no worries, we are also praying for that party! God will have you home in no time, and I know HE HAS your BACK kiddo, just hard to walk, where we haven't been so far. For little time (so young) you have lived so far, you have lived a lot more than some who are old two or three times over. Hugs and be well my friend. :>)

  2. Valerie, I am so sorry to hear of this latest news. My heart just breaks for you & your family. :( You are an inspiration to so many people that know you, and many more that do not know you. Keep fighting, you can do it! My family keeps yours in our prayers!

    -Vanessa (Deaton)